Q: In Assume Nothing, you share your lived experience with intimate partner violence.
A: At the time I met Eric Schneiderman, in 2016 at the Democratic National Convention, he was the Attorney General of New York State. It felt too good to be true that a powerful politician was paying attention to me and that we had so many overlapping interests. We had both gone to Harvard, studied Chinese and had an interest in spirituality and meditation. People worshiped him as a progressive paragon and a feminist hero. As the top law enforcement officer of New York State, he was known for introducing legislation and taking actions that protected women against violence, that protected reproductive freedom and that protected vulnerable communities, including the LGBTQ+ community.
Darkness seeped in as our relationship progressed. When the relationship became sexual, the violence entered. When he first slapped me across the face, during sex, it took me by surprise. Over time, the slaps got harder and were accompanied by demands that are humiliating to recall, but that I also feel are important to relay in the book because I have discovered that these experiences are not specific to me. In addition to the physical violence, the verbal abuse started. I wasn’t prepared for the grooming and gaslighting and manipulation.
In the book, I take the reader through the stages that I went through as I become entangled in an abusive relationship. When we first started a relationship, he was adoring and supportive and complimentary. He praised my work. He even praised the scar that I have down my torso, from cancer surgery. Months later, he urged me to get plastic surgery to remove the scar and a boob job. Abusers are skilled at tapping into the victim’s weakness and customizing their abuse to each victim. So with another girlfriend, Eric would tell her to get botox and criticized her thick ankles. He controlled what I ate and what I wore and how I did my hair. Those are examples of coercive control.
Q: Kirkus ReviewscalledAssume Nothing “a candid, often frightening exploration of the diabolically schizophrenic ways that the patriarchy conspires to disempower women.” What is the connection between intimate partner abuse and power?
A: The cycle of violence that we’re conditioned to normalize from the time we are born is entwined with the patriarchy. Patriarchy involves a power over mindset. It emphasizes having power over other people and places the man’s needs over the woman’s. True power allows others to be their best self and rise together. In addition to giving readers resources for how to spot, stop and prevent intimate partner violence, my book is also a call to action to chip away at the patriarchy that enables the violence
The book, according to the author